Rick and Morty Eat At Bob's Burgers
by NeoMark
Summary: One HELL of an absurd crossover as, by a whim, Rick takes Morty to the world of Bob's Burgers. Hilarity, horror and disaster all ensue as Rick becomes friends with Bob Belcher... and no one else. Meanwhile, Morty becomes the Rick to the Belcher kids' Morty.
1. Chapter 1: Another Day for Bob

**Intro**

_The Bob's Burger theme plays, Bob Belcher holds a burger as his family appears. His wife, his oldest daughter, his only and obnoxious son with the keyboard and his disruptive youngest daughter. Their restaurant and home appears behind them with Mort's Mortuary and a shop called "Crust Over: Pies of all Worlds"._

_The restaurant caught fire, had a rat problem that required a van called "Roach and Mousey" and finally a powerline utility pole landing in the window._

* * *

Bob Belcher grills a burger, then sighs.

"What's wrong, Bob?" His wife asks through the window where she gets the prepared burgers.

"Realization of his life!" Louise, who just sits instead of works, says aloud.

"Maybe Dad needs some time off and go on vacation somewhere, like Xanadu!" Gene declares.

"Or maybe we can order Thai?" Tina suggests.

"Tina…" Bob responds. "Why would ordering outside food make me feel better?"

"I'm not… entirely sure."

"_Oh my God…_" Bob mutters.

"Bob, just tell us!" Linda says.

"Fine!" Bob says as he takes the finished burger and takes it to the front. "It's just been… slow."

"Yeah, business has been a little weak lately." Linda says.

"Someone should get business to do some exercises!" Gene says.

"No, I mean… life has been slow."

"Due to age?" Louise asks.

"No! Just…" Bob struggles to find words. "Things have been extremely slow for life. I mean, these days stuff barely happens in the restaurant even when we're busy…" Bob hands Linda the burger. "This burger I made is for a phone order! That's literally the most interesting thing to happen today!"

"I think that's interesting." Tina says.

"It'd be more interesting if it were a donut!"

"It's getting so… uninteresting. I mean, these days, people care more about what our kids are doing…"

"That's surprising?" Louise says sarcastically.

"Maybe don't try too hard not being us?" Gene says.

"Bob, relax." Linda assures him.

Outside, a green portal appears in front of Mort's.

"Seriously, Linda." Bob says. "I just wished something interesting happens to us outside of the usual shenanigans."

The door opens, alerting everyone to the skinny old man and the teenage boy with him.

"What's up?! I'm Rick Sanchez!" The old man says outloud. He then gestures to the boy in a quieter, but not too quiet, tone. "This is my grandson, Morty."

"Hey." Morty answers in a less enthusiastic tone.

Rick then begins to ramble.

"We're here to- *BURP* eat at Bob's Burgers. We've crossed over to Bob's Burgers from Rick and Morty to eat some of Bob's Burgers. Bob's Burgers gets a crossover with Rick and Morty as they crossover to Bob's Burgers at eat burgers at Bob's Burgers… Rick and Morty crossing over from Rick and Morty to eat as Rick and Morty do their crossover… crossing over from Rick and Morty with Bob's Burgers by Rick and Morty and Bob's Burgers… Rick and Morty eat at Bob's Burgers!"

He shouts that last one with a tone of triumph, complete with his arms up.

The Belchers just stare at him, Bob in particular raising an eyebrow. None of them are sure what to say.

* * *

_The Rick and Morty theme plays._

_Several phrases and objects fly around space. A burger, a question mark and "WHY?!" flying by as a zoom in on Earth happens. There, Rick, Morty and the Belchers run for their lives from what looks like giant cats. Suddenly, everyone but Rick trips. Rick saves Bob before pushing him into a portal that Rick himself goes through. Morty and Belchers get up to see this before the cats come in._

_Rick tastes a pizza slice at Jimmy Pesto's, then spits it out and punches Jimmy Pesto in the face, pleasing Bob._

_Gene plays on his keyboard, pissing Morty off. Morty then grabs the keyboard and smashes it to pieces on the restaurant counter, horrifying Gene._

_Rick burps in Gayle's face, pissing Linda off. She tries to assault him, but Bob grabs hold of her to stop her. Gayle runs off crying while Morty can be seen in the background giving her cats to the animal shelter._

_Rick is seen throwing a beer bottle in at Hugo Habercore, hitting his head. He then throws another at Mr. Fischoeder._

_Rick, Morty and Bob fly Rick's car through the town as various Bob's Burgers characters are swallowed up by a large flood of meat that they can't escape from. The car then turns and flies to the viewer and, instead of the Cthulhu creature, its Bob's screaming mouth that the camera zooms into._

_**RICK AND MORTY EAT AT BOB'S BURGERS.**_


	2. Chapter 2: Yesterday

**Yesterday**

Rick enters the living room when he notices Jerry watching television, laughing.

Rick notices Jerry is watching Bob's Burgers and laughs at the episode of "Bob Goes to College". Rick shakes his head.

"Jerry, that television can show you a universe where they made a proper sequel to the Ben Affleck Daredevil movie because they never made a PG-13 cut, and you're watching Bob's Burgers?"

"Well, sorry if I don't spend my nights masturbating to Jennifer Garner is skintight leather..." Jerry snaps.

"Hey!" Rick points at him threateningly. "That was just one time and I was bored because the car needed repairs!"

"I never said you _couldn't!_ I just didn't want to catch you doing it _in the living room!_" Jerry answers.

Rick gets angry and storms out.

An hour later, Rick steps back in and sees Beth sitting with Jerry, watching with him.

She enjoys the show too as she watches Linda and Bob in the back of a taxi, drunk.

"Seriously? You too, Beth?" Rick asks.

"Yeah... sometimes I just want something simple. Plus... Linda's voice is hilarious." Beth answers.

Rick groans and walks away.

Another hour later, Rick finds the whole family watching Bob's Burgers.

"Seriously?! Th-that television can show you shit from different universes, even one where they never cancelled Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and this is what you watch?!" Rick shouts.

"Hey Rick." Morty answers. "There's nothing wrong with us liking a show like this."

"Yeah, Grandpa Rick." Summer agrees with Morty. "There's nothing wrong with this. It's just a funny FOX show."

"Fuck Fox..." Rick mutters.

"Okay Rick, I'll make you a bet." Jerry stands up. "If you can watch the entire series, I'll let you kick me in the balls if it turns out there's no character you like."

Rick laughs. "You're on!"

That night, Rick got to work on a helmet. Once he finished, he plugs it into the television.

"Dad, what the hell is that?"

"Me winning the bet, Beth!" Rick says. He presses a button and his eyes flash. "Oh shit!"

His body begins to shake violently as his family steps back, concerned for their lives.

After a few seconds, Rick stops, the color in his eyes returning. Jerry walks up to Rick, snapping his fingers in his face. After no reaction, Jerry just shrugs.

"Holy shit!" Ric shouts, causing everyone to scream in reaction. "I just binged all of Bob's Burgers in a matter of seconds..."

"Oh..." Jerry says, concerned. "So..." Jerry stands, with his legs apart.

"No need Jerry." Rick says. "You technically won. There's a character in Bob's Burgers I give a shit about."

"Oh, wonderful!" Jerry says, relieved as he closes he gap in his legs.

"So..." Morty starts. "Who is? It's probably Louise, because she's a trouble maker.

"Nah, it's gotta be Tina. She's got sexual interests he'd like." Jerry suggests.

"Don't be dumb!" Beth says. "It's gotta be Linda, they both like to drink!"

"Maybe it's Gene." Summer suggests. She notices everyone staring at her. "What? I can't think of anyone else."

Rick gets annoyed.

"Morty, we're going on a trip tomorrow."

* * *

"So... Rick, right?" Bob asks.

"Damn straight!" Rick says as he takes a stool, Morty soon taking another. "Give me a cheeseburger."

"Same." Morty says.

"Sure thing." Bob heads to the kitchen to grill their food.

After a few moments, the Belchers look to the odd looking patrons.

"So..." Linda asks. "Where are ya from?"

"Out of town." Rick says, not looking at her.

"Oh, what do ya do for a living?" She asks.

"Take a look at this labcoat, what do you think?" Rick asks, sounding a bit annoyed by Linda's questions.

"Are you... a shoe salesman?" Tina asks for her mother.

"Yeah..." Rick answers in a sarcastic tone. "I'm a shoe salesman who wears a labcoat."

"Oh wow... I was right." Tina says.

"No, that was sarcasm." Rick says sharply.

"Oh..." Tina says, sound a bit hurt.

"Anyway!" Linda tries to move on from how rude the man was starting to sound. "What're you up to here?"

"Just doing my own stuff..." Rick says, trying to make it clear he doesn't want to talk with anyone.

"I see..." Linda says, hiding her annoyance with this man. "Excuse me." She heads to the kitchen. There, Bob is grilling the orders when Linda whispers to him. "Bob! That old guy is rude, let's get rid of him!"

"Linda, he already ordered." Bob counters. "Just keep him busy for a little bit longer."

"Fine." She says with an annoyed tone.

"So I said..." Linda says, laughing. "Not, you were the one!" She laughs even louder. "And that's how Ginger's first dog died... in a funny way." She laughs. She scowls when she notices Rick and Morty aren't laughing at all. They just stare, Rick looking annoyed.

Suddenly fart and dog sounds go off. Morty looks in the direction and sees Gene messing with his keyboard. The sounds annoying him.

"Hey! Can you ask him to stop?" Morty asks Linda.

"Gene honey, this young man is asking you stop!" Linda says.

"No way, Mom!" Gene says. "I'm perfecting my musical gifts!"

"Sorry, hun." She says to Morty.

"He's been doing that for 5 minutes..." Morty says, sounding annoyed. He then gets up and walks to the Belcher kids. "Can you please stop that?!"

"Whoa!" Louise says. "Someone's cranky!"

"I'm done!" Bob shouts from the kitchen. "Two cheeseburgers, ready!" He places them on the counter.

Morty goes to seat.

"Finally, the whole reason we came in here!" Morty shouts.

Linda is looking annoyed, but still take the burgers to the two. She then walks to Bob and whispers.

"At least these two will be gone sooner!"

"Uh, we can hear you." Morty says.

"Yeah..." Rick says. "A stage whisper doesn't work if you're still too loud."

Linda grumbles with another glare.

Rick and Morty both take their burgers and put them near their mouths.

They take their bites.

It takes a second, but once he tastes it, Rick has a flash.

Fireworks

Drinking

Sex Parties

Watching Jennifer Garner in black leather

The flash ends and Rick has the biggest smile on his face.

"Holy shit..."

Bob and Linda's eyes widen.

"Uh, sir, my kids are-"

"This shit tastes amazing!" Rick takes another bite.

"Um, thank you?" Bob says.

The door opens and in comes two more men, one in particular is a short, chubby man who the Belchers are not fond of.

"Hello, Bob." Hugo says, sounding his usual obnoxious self.

"Hi, Hugo." Bob says, annoyed. "Hey, Ron." He says more friendly.

"Hi." Ron says.

"Ron!" Hugo snaps. He then looks at Bob. "It's time for _another_ surprise inspection!"

"Didn't you give us one last week?" Bob says.

"You can never have too many inspections!" Hugo says smugly.

"Hey, Tubs." Rick snaps, having found this man annoying. "You did your job, so piss off."

Hugo just stares at Rick for a moment. Everyone in the restaurant who isn't Morty stares at him, shocked by Rick's words.

"Wh-what'd you say to me?" Hugo says, looking angry.

"I said you harassed this guy already, so go take your sad and pathetic excuse for a life somewhere else." Rick says, not even looking at him. "Better yet, go jogging ya Aryan meatball."

Everyone's mouth is agape.

"Okay! That's it!" Hugo shouts. "I'm shut-"

"Shutting this place down?" Rick interrupts. "I don't work here, and me and my grandson are witnesses to you being a dick. So piss off."

Hugo snarls. He then points at Bob.

"This isn't over, Bob! I'll be back when this guy _isn't!_" Hugo shouts before turning around and walking out. "We're leaving, Ron!"

"Can I get a burger of the day?" Ron asks Bob.

"I said let's go!" Hugo turns and snaps.

"Let the guy by his food. Maybe he can buy you a salad while he's at it!" Rick says, laughing.

Hugo growls before storming out.

* * *

After getting Ron his burger, Bob smiles at Rick.

"That was incredible! I never saw anyone talk to Hugo like that and get away with it!" Bob says.

"Yeah, I don't let anyone talk to people like that when they don't deserve it." Rick says proudly.

Morty glares at Rick. "Hypocrite..." He mutters.

"What was _that_, Morty?!" Rick snaps.

"Nothing..." Morty says, rolling his eyes away.

"Anyway..." Rick says to Bob. "That was the best damned burger I've had in years."

"Thank you." Bob says.

Another person walks into the restaurant, someone Bob doesn't want to have visit.

"Hello, Belchers!" Mr. Fischoeder says.

"Oh... hi, Mr. Fischoeder." Bob says.

"So... rent money?" He says, dropping his somewhat friendly tone.

"Uh..." Bob tries to say something, but Rick interrupts.

"Wait!" Rick says. He gets up and looks to Mr. Fischoeder. He takes out a small gold nugget, something that surprises everyone. "How much rent will this thing take off Bob?"

"Ooh!" Mr. Fischoeder takes the nugget, sniffing it. "I'd say... a year's worth.

"A year?!" Bob shouts.

"Perfect. Take it and leave him alone for a year." Rick says.

"Wonderful! See you next year, Bob!" Fischoeder says as he walks out.

The Belchers just stare at Rick.

"What the Hell?!" Louise says.

"Where'd he get that?" Linda asks aloud.

"Check if he has _chicken_ nuggets!" Gene shouts.

Morty quickly looks to Gene, looking confused and annoyed.

"Why would my grandpa have chicken nuggets because he has a _gold_ nugget?" Morty asks. Gene only shrugs. "Why would you even say that then?"

Gene just looks around.

"That's... something no one ever asked me before."

"Rick!" Bob says, talking over the two boys. "How can I thank you?"

"You can make that much moneys worth of burgers and we call it even?"

"Um. I can't make that many in one day."

"That's cool, we'll stick around."

"What?" Morty shouts. He then whispers into Rick's ear. "Rick, you know we can't stay!"

Rick whispers back. "Relax, Morty. Knowing how Bob's Burgers' time goes, we'll be back home and like 1 hour passed, so we'll be fine even if it feels like weeks."

"What are you guys whispering about?" Bob asks,

Both Rick and Morty glance at each other.

"Nothing!"

"Anyway..." Rick changes the subject, looking at the chalkboard. "What's this burger of the day thing?" He reads what is written. "The Bay-tler Did It Burger? With Bay Leaves?" Rick chuckles. "I get it, perfect use of obscure comedy."

"Thank you." Bob smiles. "Wow, someone liked my burger of the day name?"

"Yeah. Hey, here's a thought!" Rick says. "Why not make me every burger of the day, ever, starting with the first one?"

"Ah!" Louise says out loud with her usual mischievous smile. "You mean the Child Molester?"

Rick immediately gets up and glares viciously.

"Who's the child molester?!" The Belchers, even Louise, are startled by this sudden violent attitude. "I find one, I'll rip his goddamned head off!" He shouts while slamming his fist on the counter.

"Whoa! Easy there Albert Einstein!" Linda shouts, trying to calm him down.

"Someone mess with your chalkboard, Bob?!" Rick says, ignoring Linda, whose hands he slaps away. Before Bob can say anything, like that Louise made up the burger as a joke, Rick continues. "Because anyone who says shit like this is getting his head stuck up his ass!"

"Uhh..." Bob looks around, noticing Louise is actually hiding underneath one of the tables, she's terrified of this man. "They're... gone. They left a long time ago." He lied.

Rick calms down. "Okay, good. So what's the real burger?"

"Uh... the New Bacon-ings."

"Okay, let's go with that."


	3. Chapter 3: Bed and Breakfast

*BURP*

"Well, that was delicious there, Bob."

Rick has just spent the entire day since lunch eating burgers of the day. He just finished his 20th.

"I gotta say, Rick, not many people would eat this many burgers. I'm honestly flattered." Bob admits.

"Not a problem." Rick says before belching again.

Linda and the kids are now on the other side of the dining area, annoyed by this old man as Morty just sits laying face-up at the seat for one of the tables. Tina, seeing Morty alone, walks to him.

"So... your name is Morty, right?" She asks.

"Yup, that's me."

"So, are you a teen?" Tina asks, hopeful.

"14. And I like someone already, so sorry." Morty says, making his lack in interest in Tina clear.

"So... what do you do for fun?"

Morty sits up.

"Yeah, no offense, but can you please not talk to me right now?" Morty says. "I'm tired."

"Well..." Bob says. "It's almost 7, we close at 7."

"Right!" Linda shouts over her husband as she rushes quickly to Bob and Rick. "So you two should leave... _now_." She emphasizes that last word to make them go.

"Actually... we're kind of in the market for a place to stay for the night." Rick says. "Don't suppose there's like a bed and breakfast of some kind."

"Well..." Linda says. "We used to run one..."

"How about Morty and I stay and for every night we stay, we deduct $50 from the payment I gave your landlord? You'll have to make me less burgers."

"Done!" Linda shouts.

"Lin, wait. We haven't done the be-"

"Bob!" Linda 'whispers' to her husband. "The sooner we're square with them, the sooner they're gone."

"I can _hear_ you!" Rick shouts near her face. "Whispering doesn't work if your two feet away from me!"

"You weren't listening!" Linda snaps.

"I obviously was!" Rick snaps back.

"You were?" Linda asks, genuinely shocked.

"Oh my god..." Bob mutters.

"I just said you're two feet in front of me and you can't whisper at all." Rick says.

"Sure I can!" Linda says loudly.

"N-no, no you can't Lin." Bob says.

"You gotta lower your voice, Mom!" Gene shouts.

Morty slightly winces in annoyance at the sound of Gene shouting.

"Linda, I'm your husband. I know can't stay quiet or keep a secret."

"Why? Because I told everyone that you had diarrhea before your father's birthday party?"

"Oh my god..." Bob mutters, rolling his eyes.

"Why would you say that?!" Rick asks Linda, sounding upset.

"Yeah, that's just not cool!" Morty shouts from his seat.

"Exactly, Morty!" Rick shouts.

"Hey, don't tell me how I can or can't say stuff about my husband. The best I can do is tell people not to tell anyone I told them!"

"Oh my god..." Bob mutters again.

"You say that a lot, Mr. Belcher." Morty says.

"Yeah, it's almost like a deadpan catchphrase." Rick says.

"Well... I do say it a lot." Bob admits.

"Really? Why is that?" Linda asks cluelessly.

"Oh my god..."

* * *

After 7, the Belchers welcome Rick and Morty into their home.

"Well, here we are." Bob says as they enter the living room.

"Where do we sleep?" Morty asks.

"Oh crap, that's right." Bob looks at the kids. "One of you is going to have to give up their room."

"Not it!" Louise and Gene shout.

"Not- aww." Tina says.

"That's how you figure it out?" Rick asks.

"You want in on this?" Louise asks.

"Actually, yeah I do." Rick says. "Show me your rooms."

Rick and Morty are shown Tina's room.

"Eh, don't like it." Rick goes.

They see Gene's room.

"It smells bad and feels annoying." Rick goes.

"Well." Louise goes with a small smile. "I guess that's it for rooms!"

"What about your room?" Tina asks.

Louise elbows into Tina, looking annoyed.

"Show me!" Rick says.

They see Louise's room. Rick nods.

"Perfect, it's small." He says.

"What?" Louise says.

Rick plops himself on Louise's bed.

"Morty, move her stuff out of here when you can." Rick says, showing a lack of interest in everything around him. "Just dump it in a box, don't care how."

"Sure thing, Rick."

"No!" Louise shouts. She tries assault Morty, but Gene and Louise hold her back. "No! No! No!"

The Belchers pulls Louise out.

"Okay, see you in the morning, Rick." Bob says, struggling with Louise.

"Sure thing, Bobbo!" Rick says.

"And I will see you in Hell, Rick!" Louise shouts. "I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL!"

Morty closes the door. He then marches to Rick, annoyed.

"Rick, what the hell are you doing?"

"Just messing around for now, Morty. We'll probably just be around a few chapters or something, unless plans change."

"What?"

"Can you just get rid of that girl's stuff already?"

* * *

After about an hour, Morty leaves the room he and his grandfather are staying. He heads to the kitchen to get some water. On the way, he hears talking from Louise and Tina in the latter's room.

"I'll tear his head off!" Louise can be heard angrily.

Morty sneaks closer to hear them.

"I don't know, Louise." Tina says. "Maybe if we get to know them better, we might like them." She suggests.

"Tina, no offense, but they didn't take your room without any warning." Louise snaps.

"So, what do we do about it?" Tina asks.

"I'll think of something... " Louise says, sounding a bit sinister. "I'll think of something..." She rubs her hands together as she sleeps in her sister's bed.

"You... already said that." The slow Tina points out as she sleeps on the other side of the bed.

"Yeah, I'm doing it on purpose..." Tina pointed out, noting her sister's lack of common sense.

Morty shook his head and kept going.

He heard the sound of dogs and farting from a room. Morty glares at the annoying sounds.

"Gene!" Bob yells from his room.

Morty hears Gene groan in annoyance as the sounds stop.

Morty heads to the sink and gets his glass of water before returning to the room he and Rick are using.

"Rick." Morty whispers. "How long are we staying?" Rick is sound asleep. Morty just glares at his grandfather. "Figures..."


	4. Chapter 4: Eat at Jimmy Pesto's

It was almost noon at Bob's Burgers. It was Saturday.

Rick sat at the very end of the counter, drinking coffee while Morty sat next to him.

Bob enjoyed grilling some burgers while Linda glared at their house guests.

She kneels to her kids, who sat nearby.

"Any ideas on getting rid of these guys?" She asks.

Louise, the most eager to get rid of the men in her room, whispers.

"Arson."

"I like setting them on fire... just not in our house." Linda says.

Suddenly, two familiar figures enter.

"Linda." Mort the Mortician says.

"Hello Belchers." Teddy greets.

"Hey, Teddy and Mort." Linda says.

Both men take their usual spots when Teddy notices the two at the end of the row of seats.

"Uh, Linda? Who are they?"

"Oh..." Linda says while sending those two in particular dirty looks. "That's Rick and his grandson, Morty."

"Morty?" Mort asks. "That's what some people call me." He waves to them. "Hi there."

Rick just acknowledges the others with a brief glance before returning to his coffee. Morty waves back.

"So, usual burgers?" Bob, from the kitchen, asks.

"Sure thing." Mort says.

"Nah, maybe just a coffee... with fries... and a burger." Teddy says.

"So... usual burger?" Rick asks.

"What? No." Teddy says as if he's correcting Rick.

"You just said a burger." Rick pointed out.

"Well, it's different... I- um..."

"How's it different? It's a burger. You didn't ask for soup or salad." Rick pointed out, sounding annoyed.

"Well, I wa-"

"Let me stop you there. It isn't, you're just wasting your lungs." Rick snaps.

"Oh." Teddy says, sounding hurt.

Linda growls in anger at Rick, who ignores her. She looks away and an idea forms.

"Say, Rick? Ya like pizza?" Linda says.

Bob hears this and worries.

"Yeah, sure. I'l eat anything..." Rick admits.

"Linda?" Bob asks his wife in a concerned voice. "What are you doing?"

Linda points to the restaurant across the street.

"That's a popular pizza place. You should try it."

"Linda!" Bob shouts.

Rick looks at it for a moment, then shrugs.

"Nah. I think I'll go later..."

"I don't know, Rick." Morty says. "I could go for some pizza."

Rick shrugs again.

"Alright, whatever."

They both get up.

"Wait, no!" Bob says as he makes it to the door leading into the dining area.

"Yes!" Louise shouts. "Get the hell out of this damned place!"

Rick then points at Louise menacingly.

"You watch your mouth! This place is why you're not living in a box in an alley!" He then looks to his grandson. "Morty, we'll go later. Clearly this place needs us more."

Morty just shrugs indifferently.

"Alright, I wanted to try the soup anyway."

"No!" Louise shouts.

"No! Go get pizza!" Linda shouts as well.

"Maybe you'll love it." Tina says.

"Maybe you'll wanna marry-nara it!" Shouts the only Belcher son.

That line annoys Morty, who gives Gene a silent glare.

"So..." Teddy speaks up. "Where ya from?"

"Out of town." Rick says, still not looking at him.

"I see... you know, I've be-"

"Gonna stop you there, tubbs." Rick says. "Is this a story that is going to last more then 10 minutes?"

Teddy looks away, a bit put off by Rick's rude behavior.

"Kind of, it's about when my ex-wife Denise and I went out for out honeymoon. Well, it wasn't so much a honeymoon as it was her partying and me sleeping in the tru-"

"Alright, that was more than t-*BURP*-en seconds, stop talking to me."

Everyone but Morty in the room took a step back when Rick burped.

Bob shrugs and goes back to the kitchen.

Teddy looked a bit hurt by Rick's rude behavior. He then inches closer to look at Bob through the window.

"Hey, Bob!"

"Yeah, Teddy?"

"Bob!"

"Yes."

"Bob!"

"Teddy, I-

"HE CAN HEAR YOU!" Rick shouts. "I can hear you too! You're barely 10 feet away from me and 5 feet from him and you're shouting! Learn an inside voice!"

Teddy just remains silent, causing everyone else to look a bit scared of Rick.

* * *

It was dinnertime and Rick and Morty get up off the stools.

"Well... let's check out that pizza place." Rick says.

"Rick." Bob says, peeking out through the window. "Are you sure you don't wa-"

"Bye! Rick!" Linda interrupts, wanting him out as soon as possible.

Once they're out of the restaurant, Morty speaks to Rick as they walk.

"Rick? You know whose place that is, why are we going?"

"Mostly to get the hell away from Linda." Rick admits. "That voice is so fucking annoying. Someone recast her with an actual woman."

"Ooh. I'm pretty sure you're being a dick to her voice actor, Rick."

"Morty, do I look like I care? Besides, I'm not disrespecting him for being gay or anything, Morty. I'm simply stating that Linda's voice is just unbearable. It's only funny like... once, in that video he did where he mimicked his mom. That as it." Rick then stops in the middle of the street and rubs his eyes. "Come to think of it, why are like half the women on this show voiced by men?"

"I think it's just meant to be funny, Rick."

"It's only funny like for one minute or one episode with a character you see like once in a while. Like, you think Edward Asner played Granny Goodness in every episode of Superman the Animated Series? No, because even Edward Asner can't make that voice work forever. We don't complain about women like Tara Strong voicing little boys because little boys haven't had their balls drop yet."

They resume walking.

"But wh-"

"You think Brad Bird could make a whole movie about Edna Mode work, Morty? Don't even answer that question because I'm already right."

"I don't know Rick, at least Edna's voice isn't shrill..."

"Well, yeah, that's true. At least he doesn't sing with that voice. Linda's voice is not meant for singing... like... at all."

* * *

Inside, Rick and Morty enter Jimmy Pesto's, when the namesake arrives.

"Welcome to Jimmy Pestos I see you just left Bob's Dump! HA!"

Rick immediately hated this guy.

"We want a table." Morty says.

"Hey, I'll do you better, a table with food!"

He laughs, with his nearby bartender laughing.

"Ha! Cause his food is better!"

Jimmy Pesto looks annoyed.

"Yes, thank you, Trev."

"Yeah, thanks for killing his already not funny joke by making it less funny, Trev!" Rick shouted.

This causes everyone in the slightly noisy building to stop and look shocked by that.

Trev just freezes there, looking a bit hurt.

"I-I... um..." Trev stands there, looking unsure what to say.

"Just give me a damned table." Rick snaps at Jimmy Pesto.

* * *

Across the street, Bob looks through the window to see what Rick and Morty are doing at his rival's place.

"Lin, why'd you have to recommend him to there? He'll probably pay Jimmy Pesto's lease too."

"Oh, knock it off, Bobby!" Linda shouted. "Anything to get that rude guy out."

Bobb takes his apron off.

"Well, I'm going to see how it goes."

Bob rushes to the door.

"Bob!" Linda shouts, but is too late as he leave. She sighs. "Come on kids, let your father be upset that his new best friend is gone.

* * *

Rick and Morty sit at their table when a pepperoni pizza arrives.

"Here you go." Jimmy Pesto Jr. says with his lisp as he walks away.

Rick takes a pizza slice.

Bob rushes into the door, where Jimmy Pesto is there to "greet" him.

"What's wrong Bob? Here to see how to serve food?"

His smug attitude drops when something he didn't want to hear get shouted.

"Ugh! Gross!"

Rick spits out his bite of pizza, then slams the slice onto the floor.

"This actually tasted like shit!

The entire restaurant gasps at his profanity.

Jimmy Pesto races to Rick.

"Something wrong, sir?"

"Yeah!" Rick gets off his seat and presses a finger to Jimmy Pesto's chest. "This tasted awful! The dough is soggy! The sauce is store bought bland! The cheese tastes undercooked! What the fuck is wrong with you and your chefs?!"

Jimmy Pesto gets defensive.

"Hey! I have a lot of people come in here! They all love my food!"

"Who the fuck cares if you're popular?! I care if your food doesn't suck and it SUCKS!" Rick shouts.

"Fine! Order something else!"

In minutes, Rick's order of spaghetti comes. He puts the noodles in his mouth.

"This literally tastes worse than vomit."

He says before spitting it out, covering Jimmy Pesto's shoes.

Bob actually chuckles at this.

Rick is then served a steak. He tries to cut a piece but gets annoyed.

"What is this thing? Still frozen?! How is that hard to cut a steak?!" He gives up and just lifts it with his fork. After licking it, he throws the steak at Jimmy Pesto's shirt. "That was somehow worse than the pizza!"

Jimmy Pesto starts to get annoyed. Bob, however, laughs so hard he starts to tear from his eyes.

Trev brings him the Pesto-colada. Rick drinks it before spitting it on Trev's shirt, leaving him soaked and upset.

"You somehow made even alcohol taste bad!"

Jimmy Pesto brings in another pizza.

"I already had your gross pizza." Rick says with his arms crossed.

"This was made by me." Jimmy Pesto says proudly.

Rick just looks suspicious before shrugged.

Taking a slice off, he takes a bite.

Rick gets up and spits it out before throwing a punch in Jimmy Pesto's face, knocking him down.

"AAUGHH!" He shouted as he hit the floor.

Rick hears Bob's laugh. Looking, he smiles.

"There's the real cook on this block." Rick says as he walks to Bob.

Morty just looks at Jimmy Pesto trying to get up as he sees Jimmy Jr dancing oddly on his own. Morty gets up and walks to him, pulling his headphones off to speak to him.

"You're aware slow dancing requites two people?"

"I dance how I feel!" Jimmy Jr defends.

"Okay. But you look like you're trying to molest yourself."

Morty walks away, leaving Jimmy Jr standing and looking offended.

Rick puts a hand around Bob.

"Let's go to your place! Get some burgers! Some real food that doesn't taste this bad!"

Suddenly, the other diners look to their food.

"You think it tastes bad too?" One of them shouted.

"No shit! Why do you all eat here?!"

"Because... he's got a charming personality?"

"What the fuck does that have to do with food tasting good?"

Rick the walks out, taking Bob and Morty with him.

"Hey!" Jimmy Pesto says, with one large black eye. "You gotta pay for that!"

Rick scoffs.

"I paid with my presence."

Rick leaves with Bob and Morty, leaving Jimmy Pesto very angry.


	5. Chapter 5: Rick the Dick

The following morning, Rick and Morty were eating their breakfast in the Belcher's househould. Linda and Louse were not pleased.

Still, Gene ignored them as he kept pressing buttons on his keyboard to make random noises, mostly farts.

"Are you ready to hear some amazing noises?!" Gene asks Morty.

Morty just glares.

"I don't want to hear anything right now."

"You know you wanna hear it!" Gene shouts as he keeps pressing buttons, making random sounds, mostly farts.

Morty puts his fork with eggs down, no longer having any patience.

"KNOCK IT OFF!"

Gene looks offended by that, Linda glares at Morty.

"Do not yell at my beautiful boy!" She snaps.

"Actually..." Bob says. "I wouldn't mind him not bringing that thing to the table..."

Gene gasps.

"Bob!" Linda snaps.

"Linda, we're trying to eat. And he's here making those noises. This is not where you make those sounds." Bob says.

"Gotta agree with Bob." Rick says, despite having an expression that shows no interest.

Linda glares at Rick, already sick of this man.

* * *

Rick and Morty sit at the counter, ignoring everyone as Rick just had a beer.

"Rick, how much longer are we staying?" Morty asks.

"Dunno, the writer takes too long trying too long to make Danny Phantom screw other chicks from other shows." Rick says. "I'm sure we'll be here long after season 4 airs."

Morty ignores his grandfather and looks away. He sees the kids leaving.

"Where are you going?" He asks.

"School." Tina says.

"Alright, later." Morty says.

"Morty, don't you have school too?" Lousie asks.

"I'm from out of town."

"So... can I go out of town?" Louise asks Linda.

"Go to school." Linda snaps.

The kids walk out.

Rick looks around and sees nobody but Linda and Morty around.

"So... Linda. Now that we're alone, I gotta ask."

"What?"

"When did it happen?"

"What happened?"

"The change."

"What change?"

"When you became a woman."

"Rick, it's called puberty."

"No, I mean when you decided to become a woman."

"What?!" She starts to get annoyed.

"When did you decide to get a sex change?"

"WHAT?!"

"Damn, Rick." Morty says.

"I was_ always_ a woman!" She snapped.

"Then why do you sound like a man trying to make a half-assed lady's voice? You sound like someone's Jewish mother... or rather someone's bad impression of a Jewish mother."

Linda growls at him.

"Damn, pretty sure that was trans-phobic in some way, Rick." Morty says.

"Morty, do you think that bothers me if someone can't tell if they're man or woman? I don't care what they feel, Morty. I only care that they don't sound like someone doing a crappy voice, Morty."

Eventually, Teddy returns to the restaurant, sitting down.

"Hey Linda. Where's Bob?"

"He's out getting some new ingredients." She glares at Rick. "So for now, I have to entertain our guest."

Teddy sees Rick and looks a bit uncomfortable.

"Uh... I'll be back later."

"Teddy, no! I-"

Teddy ran out of the building.

Linda groans when another person came, Gretchen.

"Hi Linda!"

"Gretchen!" She says happily.

The two women hold hands when Gretchen saw Rick and Morty.

"Who's the skinny guy and the kid?"

"Those are Rick and his grandson, Morty." Linda said with as much irritation as she could for the two. An idea came and she smiled. "You know, Rick doesn't mention a wife."

"I don't know Linda." Gretchen says. "He looks old and skinny."

"Well, give it a try!" Linda said, hoping this will make Rick less unpleasant.

Gretchen walked over to Rick, who know notices her standing next to him with bedroom eyes.

"Hello." She said seductively.

"Goodbye." Rick says, going back to his beer.

She sits next to him.

"Rick?" Morty says. "She's not leaving."

"Just ignore her." Rick says.

"Anyway!" She calls out. "I'm Gretchen."

Rick ignores her further.

Another person, Mike the mailman, enters.

"Hey, Mike." Linda says.

"Hey Linda. Here you go." He says, handing her mail.

"Anything good?"

"Dunno, didn't read it this time." He said.

"You read people's mail?" Rick asks. "That's fucked up."

"Yeah, pretty fucked up." Morty agrees.

Mike just stares at them.

"And you are?"

"Rick *burp* and Morty." Rick says. "And you admitted to reading people's mail."

"It's not a crime if you don't report me."

"Which is why I'm only not reporting it if you pay for the ice cream you taking from Bob, because he's told me you do that."

Mike looks at the soft serve.

"May I?" He asks Linda.

"Sure."

"Pay for it!" Rick says.

"Ignore him." Linda goes.

Mike goes to the machine, but Rick reaches out and grabs the man by his collar.

"Pay for it and the last times." Rick said, threateningly.

"Okay! Okay!" Mike pulls out some money. "Here Linda!" He shouts to her.

"No Mike! It's on the-"

"Give it!" Rick grabs the money. "Now take a small serving and get lost." Rick smiles. "Actually..."

He takes out a spoon decides to help himself to some ice cream.

"Yo, Linda. One bowl, please."

Linda glares before shrugging to get him some soft serve.

Gretchen takes the spoon from his hand.

"I see you like ice cream too."

She licks the spoon in a seductive manner before giving it back to him.

Seductive music would have played at that moment.

Rick responds, by kneeling beneath the counter and vomiting. He then ran out of the building and threw the spoon away.

Linda saw this, and got upset.

Rick walked to her and took the bowl out of her hand, covering his entire face with ice cream. Once he was done, he looked to Morty.

"Bob's not here and he's the only reason I give a damned about this place, let's check the town out, Morty."

"Sure." Morty said indifferently.

As the were about to leave, Gretchen called out.

"Where you going, handsome?"

"Away from you, ugly."

Gretchen quickly glares at him.

"UGLY?"

"Yeah... you're ugly. Rick pointed out. "I'm pansexual and even I think you're disgusting. Plus, I don't go for chicks who sound like men."

"I DON'T SOUND LIKE A MAN!" Gretchen yelled.

"Yeah, you do. You sound like that fat idiot Teddy." Rick said. "Let's go, Morty."

Both of them leave, leaving Gretchen angry with Linda and Mike looking terrified at her rage.

"SCREW YOU, RICK!"

* * *

Rick and Morty arrive at Wagstaff, where they stand outside.

"Rick, why are we here?" Morty asks.

"Because I'm bored and frankly wanna get my or the writer's thoughts on the kids being the main focus too much out of the way." Rick said before chugging from his flask. "Let's get shit done."


	6. Chapter 6: Rickstaff

"Rick? What the hell are we doing at the school the Belcher kids go to?" Morty asked as they entered the doors.

"Got nothing better to *burp*do*burp*, Morty." Rick said. "Let's waste our time with these three shitheads like the writers of this show do."

The walk down the halls as they hear the bell ring and students getting out and heading to their next classes.

Rick looks annoyed at the sight of these students.

"Seriously? Why are we wasting our time with these ki-idio- these idiots, Morty? The show is called Bob's Burgers, Morty! There are times we don't even see the damn inside of the place, or even a burger, Morty." Rick says before he burps, grossing out a student walking past them.

"Well, I guess it's because people like, you know, really like their personalities, Rick. I mean, after all, there's only so much you can do with customers or running a business, Rick."

"What are you, Morty? A writer all of the something, Morty?!" Rick snapped. "We spend more time with those three a season now than Bob. It's fine to have an occa- episode once a whi- once in a while, but not so damned much!"

"Excuse me!" A voice that Rick already found annoying called out to them. It belong to the man walking up to them, Mr. Frond. "Hello, what are you two doing here?"

"We're friends of the Belchers." Morty explained. "My grandpa Rick just wanted to see what your school is like."

"20% accurate, as usual, Morty." Rick said sharply. "We're here because everyone wastes their damned time with these turds."

"So... the Belcher kids? You're here for them?" Mr. Frond asks.

"Jesus... I just called three kids turds and you don't stop me from doing so?" Rick speaks up.

"Well, I-"

"That's pretty shitty of you."

"Yeah, it is Rick."

"Exactly, Morty. His job is to not let people say that."

Mr. Frond starts to get huffy.

"Well, I bed your pardon! But this is a school, you'll have to visit them at home."

"Oh, of course..." Rick said with a hint of sarcasm. "Let's go Morty, before this sad sack here wastes out time too."

Frond just starts at them, looking hurt by Rick's words.

Rick and Morty exit the school before looking at the door a moment longer.

"Alright, let's check this stupid place and see why the writers waste their time here." Rick says as he pulls out his flask.

"Well, maybe it's because people can connect to the kids." Morty explains as Rick chugged his alcohol.

"Who connects with a fat little dumbass who thinks Ving Rhames is in the bible?" Rick said as he finished. "Even your dad's not that stupid."

"Rude." Morty didn't care for the way Rick described Gene, only for his father.

"Come one, let's bring hell on these morons."

* * *

It was lunch time, the Belcher kids were at there usual table when Tina was reading her book.

"Are you doing homework at the lunch table?" Louise asked.

"No. Just doing a read through my latest erotic friend-fiction to make sure I didn't misspell anything." Tina answered.

"What's spelling even useful for?" Gene said. "I don't need it to know my name goes G-N."

"That's not how it's spelled." The flat voice of Morty said.

All of them look and see Morty at the end of their table.

"Morty? What are you doing here?" Tina asks. "Unless you're a student here now, are you?"

"No. Rick just wants to waste time here, something about how he's sick of the constant time here."

"I'm sick of this place too!" Louise goes. "Come on! Let's get the hell out of here!"

"You're 9, you're supposed to be here." Morty pointed out.

Rick walks in, drinking from his flask.

"Normally, I'd say school is for stupid people..."

"EXACTLY!" Louise goes.

"But that's why you three belong here." Rick finishes.

All three Belcher kids look insulted to hear him say that.

"What now, Rick?" Morty asks.

"Now we see what the damned deal is here..." Rick says.

"Hey!"

A lisp voice calls out and the boy it came from comes walking in, with his best friend.

"Hey, Jimmy Junior." Tina greets friendly. "Zeke." She says less friendly.

"Yeah hi..." He says uninterested as he glares at Morty. "You're the boy who said I looked like I molest myself when I dance!"

"You what?!" Tina shouted, sounding insulted as he is.

"Hey... you know, I just... say what I see." Morty said.

"Wait... aren't you Pesto's kid?" Rick asked.

"Yeah."

"Well, no wonder Morty said your dancing sucks, your old man sucks at everything, even at insulting people..."

* * *

_Last night, the Belcher's were closing up for the night, the duo of Rick and Morty following, as Jimmy Pesto was outside and pointing at Bob while laughing._

_"Haha! You're dumb!"_

_"You're dumb!" Bob shouts back._

_"No! You are!"_

_Before Bob could respond, Rick did it for him._

_"AND YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT! SO SHUT UP!"_

_Rick's words caused the entire neighborhood to go silent._

_Pesto looked more than a little off that someone yelled like that at him and slowly walked back into his restaurant, terrified of Rick._

* * *

"So... makes sense you'd suck at something." Rick said.

"I DON'T SUCK AT DANCING!" Jimmy Junior shouted. "Look at this!"

Jimmy Junior performed his dance, which just him jumping up, doing jacks, and doing jazz hands occasionally.

"That... made Kirby's dance at the end of every level look complex and well choreographed." Rick said.

"Yeah... it did." Morty added.

Jimmy Junior grumbled as he walked away.

"I'm Zeke by the way!" Zeke said.

"We don't care." Rick and Morty both say.

"Well, okay..." He follows Jimmy Junior away.

Tina got up off her seat.

"How could you do that?! How dare you make Jimmy Junior upset!" She said in her usual slow and quiet voice.

"Eh, whatever..." Rick said nonchalantly.

"Yeah, plus he's kind of a jerk. He sometimes treats you badly." Morty pointed out.

"I don't care! I like Jimmy Junior!" Tina stated. "Even sometimes he barely pays attention to me and even goes out of his way to ignore me!"

"Yeah... that don't sound messed up." Rick says

"Yeah, that's definitely love, isn't it?" Louise snarked.

"Excuse me!" The sounds of a certain man everyone found annoying called out as Mr. Frond came in. "You two, please leave before I call the police!"

Rick just rolled his eyes.

"Alright, fine. Let's go Morty. This place is boring and full of idiots anyway..."

Both of them start walking away, but Mr. Frond soon looked insulted.

"Boring and full of idiots?! Are... are you referring to me too?!"

"Doi." Rick went.

Frond quickly got up to them.

"I'll have you know that I'm Wagstaff's guidance counselor and I am not boring or an idiot!"

Rick laughed. "Given how you dress, that's a bold claim."

"Ha!" Louise goes.

"Anyway..." Mr. Frond grumbles before speaking up. "I happen to be of great importance here at Wagstaff."

"Really?" Rick says. "Morty, you stick around, I gotta find Bob. He's the least annoying person here so far."

"What?" Morty goes. "Seriously, Rick?"

"Yes, seriously Morty. Don't be a pussy and stay."

Everyone in the cafeteria gasped and became silent.

"Did you... call him that?" Mr. Frond says.

"Yes... I called my *burp* idiot grandson a *burp*pussy*burp*." Rick says nonchalantly.

Everyone gasped again.

"Whoa..." Louise goes. "People say I'm disrespectful."

"Well... take care Morty, let me know how overused and not-as-funny it is." Rick says as he walked away.

Morty just stood there before shrugging.

"So... what do, you know, do around here?"

* * *

"Morty's at their school?" Linda asked.

Rick has long since come back, and just sits at a stool.

"Yeah... just let him stick around and see what's so damned important about a school run by idiots. Where's Bob?"

"Well, he had a last minute visit to the dentist." Linda said.

"Eww... the dentist." Rick went.

"Yeah, he isn't fond of it. Getting him to go is like pulling teeth!" Linda made her usual obnoxious laugh before looking at Rick. "Get it?" Rick just remained silent, scowling at her. "You get it?" Linda asks again, Rick remains silent. "See, ya not laughin', I just wanna know if-"

"YES! Linda! I got it!" Rick snapped. "It just wasn't funny." Linda's smile leaves her. "Whether because it was too obvious, or your tone didn't work, or your voice is just painful to listen to..." Linda started glaring at him. "But most of all, it's you clearly expecting me to laugh after you clearly expected me to get it."

"Because it's the dentist and-"

"DON'T!" Rick snapped again. "NEVER explain the joke, you make it less funny."

Linda grumbled to herself.

The door opened, and Bob came in.

"I'm back!"

"Oh, finally..." Linda muttered.

"How'd it go?" Rick asked, in a friendly tone he didn't have around Linda.

"Okay... I guess." Bob said. "Where's your grandson?"

"Taking a look at Wagstaff. I was there and it sucked. Why anyone wanna *burp*spend*burp* so much time there is beyond me."

"Well, Rick. It's a school, kids have to be there."

"I wasn't talking about kids, Bob." Rick said.

* * *

"Wow... you suck at this." Morty said as Frond was offering guidance to a student who just left his office.

"EXCUSE ME!" Frond snapped. "It's not my fault she didn't respond well to the dolls!"

"Actually, it is." Morty said flatly. "You know, you-you shouldn't ha- you shouldn't use dolls for people who are clearly over the age of 4. You're not treating preschool kids. Plus, you clearly have some issues of your own."

"Oh, I have issues?!" Frond said defensively. "Well, I don't!"

"You clearly do." Morty said. "You're getting defensive with a 14 year old."

"I do not!" Frond snapped. "Let's see you do better with these idiots!"

"Sure."

Morty sat once Mr. Frond got off his chair and waited for the next student, which is Regular Sized Rudy.

"Can I speak with Mr. Frond?"

"He's busy, I can help you."

"Well, I want to know, if there's something wrong with me." Rudy said. "People tell me I'm not very great at anything because I have asthma." He took a breath from his inhaler. "Am I flawed?"

"Rudy, of course you are." Frond muttered to himself. "You should just be quiet."

"Rudy, I'll break it down for you. You are... but that's not a bad thing."

"WHAT?!" Frond and Rudy go.

"So what if you can't run as fast as the others? So what if you need that thing to live?" Morty goes. "It doesn't mean you're terrible, it means you have potential. You have more hurdles to go through. I mean, I suck at math, but I've grown smarter in places that matter. I'm a lot more confident because of the trouble I go through." Morty smiled in an encouraging way. "Your flaws mean you have a lot potential, don't let what other people dictate what you do. Prove yourself while using that inhaler!"

Rudy smiled.

"Wow... thank you." Rudy got up from his seat. "I feel a lot better."

Once Rudy got up and left, Front rushed to Morty.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Frond said. "HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!"

"Simple, I spoke to him in a way that he understood and related to what I said." Morty stated. "You should try that."

"KIDS DON'T WANT A RELATABLE COUNSELOR! PEOPLE LIKE ME BECAUSE THEY THINK I'M PERFECT!" Now Frond was getting red with rage.

"No they don't. Everyone clearly doesn't like you because you're a flawed man, but you refuse to acknowledge your flaws and act better than you actually are. You're the opposite of Rudy, and therefore aren't qualified for anything but making those dolls... or at least how to knit."

"GET OUT!" Frond shouted.

Morty got up and shrugged. "Whatever..."

Morty got up and left, leaving Frond seething with rage.


End file.
